Saved by my timer

There seem to be certain immutable characteristics in PhD mentors. The penetrance and expressivity of these characteristics somewhat vary, although the deviation is not statistically significant.

The concept of time: They magically seem to forget how long it takes to perform a certain experiment and appear flabbergasted when you are unable to present the results to them in half the time that it takes to do it. Yet, somehow they think that you spent an eternity when in reality you spent five extra minutes at lunch because the damn vending machine ate all your dollar bills and you were unsuccessfully trying to salvage them.

Quality of results: Some times they become so excited about testing a certain hypothesis that they don’t care if the experiment is carefully designed and executed – they don’t care if all the controls have been included, they just want to see the results. And somehow at the end of three sleepless nights and days (coz you were already performing five experiments simultaneously) you get blamed for performing the experiment sloppily.

Level of independence: They expect you to design your own project. When you do, you get blamed for not consulting with them. Then when you consult with them, they accuse you of being too dependant. Then when you start working on your own again, they claim that you have become cold and sore and suggest that you check your personal baggage at the door. Yeah, I got that memo a long time ago; I leave my baggage, pride AND self-respect at the door before entering your lab.

Comparing mentorship skills: I start rolling my eyes and fidgeting with the timer clipped to my belt when I hear the words “when I was a graduate student...”. If only I had a penny for every time I heard those words! They always claim that they are not as mean to us as their mentors have been to them (I call it the mother-in-law phenotype because every mean mother-in-law claims that her’s was much worse). So I am supposed to be happy that I have a cynical mentor, because it could have been much worse… my mentor could have been cynical and anti-social.
The good thing about carrying a timer with you at all times is that when your mentor begins their epic spiel you can set your timer to say… oh, three minutes, and when it beeps you can excuse yourself with the claim that you need to attend to something that can’t wait. You can spice it up by saying that you are doing the experiment that they SMSed you about at 2 AM last night.

In their defense, mentors aren’t all that bad. For one, if you have a good sense of humor you will have plenty of stories to tell about them at parties, at the bar, or even to your grand children. Secondly, they really do mean well (as difficult as it may be for some of us to believe it). They really do take pride in their students and genuinely want to see them succeed. They have lived in their small bubble for so long, and put their heart and soul, sweat and blood, determination and perseverance into their science that they have, well, lost all their common sense! They have become dysfunctional mad scientists. But they really do mean well.
Any way, my timer is really beeping now. So until next time, auf wiedersehen.